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Chapter 11 - The Voice Beneath the Water

For six years, I had believed Daniel Price's last words were spoken to me.

Tell her.

That was what I remembered.

His fingers wrapped around my wrist.

His eyes fixed on mine.

The water climbing around his shoulders.

I had replayed those words thousands of times.

Whenever I couldn't sleep.

Whenever the weather changed and my arm began aching.

Whenever I drove past a river after heavy rain.

I heard him again.

Tell her.

I thought I understood what he had been asking.

Tell Rebecca he loved her.

Tell her he was thinking about her.

Tell her he wanted to come home.

Now Dwayne was standing outside the gym telling me there was a recording.

"What recording?"

He glanced toward General Haskett, who was walking down the hallway.

"One of the radios was still transmitting from the vehicle."

I stared at him.

"Daniel's radio?"

"His equipment was connected to the vehicle's communication system. Investigators recovered part of the transmission."

My heartbeat accelerated.

"Why didn't anybody tell me?"

Dwayne's expression softened.

"Erin, you were in the hospital when they recovered the vehicle. Afterward, you were interviewed about what you remembered. The investigators had other evidence. Nobody had a reason to make you listen to that recording."

I looked at the general.

"Sir, have you heard it?"

"Yes."

"What does he say?"

General Haskett hesitated.

The hesitation frightened me more than the answer.

"Major, the surviving recording is short. It captures part of the rescue. It does not provide a complete account of Corporal Price's final moments."

"I understand."

He looked at my face.

"Are you certain you want to hear about it now?"

I thought about Grace.

About the folded drawing.

About Rebecca carrying six years of questions.

"Yes, sir."

The general nodded.

"Then let's step into the office."

We returned to the small room where I had read Dad's letter.

This time, General Haskett sat across from me.

Dwayne remained beside the door.

The general rested his hands on the desk.

"The recording was preserved as part of the accident investigation. It includes several seconds of Corporal Price speaking while you were attempting to free him."

I stared at him.

"Did he say anything about Rebecca?"

The general nodded.

"Yes."

My throat tightened.

"What?"

"He asked you to tell her he loved her."

I closed my eyes.

That much I remembered.

"And then?"

The general took a breath.

"He said, 'Captain, you have to go.'"

I opened my eyes.

"What?"

"He told you to leave."

I shook my head.

"No."

"Major—"

"No, sir. I wouldn't have left him."

"I know."

I stared at him.

The office seemed suddenly too small.

"He was trapped," I whispered.

"Yes."

"I was trying to move the door."

"I know."

"I thought if I could get enough leverage—"

"Erin."

The general rarely used my first name.

I stopped.

He leaned forward.

"He knew you were risking your life."

My eyes filled.

"He asked you to go because he could see the vehicle shifting. He believed the rescue attempt was becoming too dangerous."

I looked down at my hands.

My right hand had gone cold.

"And I didn't listen."

"No."

A sob escaped me.

"Then he died."

The general remained silent.

I wanted him to tell me something different.

That there had been another way.

That the rescuers had been seconds away.

That if I had pulled harder, moved faster, chosen another angle, Daniel would have survived.

Instead, he said something I hadn't expected.

"You stayed because you believed there was still a chance to save him. He asked you to leave because he believed you were about to die. Both of you were trying to protect another person."

I bent forward.

For years, I had remembered those moments as a contest between my strength and the river.

If I had been stronger, I might have won.

If I had been faster, I might have saved him.

But Daniel had understood something I hadn't allowed myself to consider.

He had known I was in danger too.

Dwayne came closer.

"Erin, there's something else."

I looked up.

"Before the recording ends, Daniel says your name."

My breath caught.

Dwayne's eyes were wet.

"He says, 'Tell Captain Lennox thank you.'"

I covered my face.

That was when I finally understood why Rebecca had come to the ceremony.

She hadn't come because she needed to hear that I had tried.

She already knew.

She had come because she wanted me to stop believing that trying had been a failure.

For six years, I had carried Daniel's death as though it were a debt I would never finish paying.

But Daniel's final words weren't an accusation.

They weren't disappointment.

They were gratitude.

I cried until I couldn't cry anymore.

No one hurried me.

No one told me to be strong.

No one reminded me that I was an officer.

When I finally lifted my head, General Haskett handed me a tissue.

"Major Lennox, you have spent a long time believing that surviving made you responsible for everyone who didn't."

I wiped my face.

He continued.

"That is not how responsibility works."

I nodded, though I wasn't certain I believed him completely.

Not yet.

He stood.

"Rebecca has been offered an opportunity to review the recording through the appropriate records process. If she wishes to discuss it with you, that is her decision. You do not owe anyone a public account of Corporal Price's death."

I looked toward the gym.

"Sir, I think I need to speak to her."

"Then you should."

I stood.

My legs were unsteady.

Dwayne opened the door.

We found Rebecca sitting beside Grace in a quiet waiting area.

The little girl was coloring.

Rebecca stood when she saw me.

"Erin?"

I tried to speak.

Nothing came out.

She took one step closer.

"Are you all right?"

I shook my head.

"No."

Her face tightened.

I reached for her hand.

"I'm sorry."

She squeezed my fingers.

"Erin."

"I tried so hard."

"I know."

"I couldn't move the door."

"I know."

"He was right there."

Her eyes filled.

"I know."

My voice broke.

"I couldn't bring him home."

Rebecca pulled me into her arms.

And for a moment, we were no longer a soldier and a soldier's widow.

We were two women who had spent six years standing on opposite sides of the same terrible night.

One had lost her husband.

The other had never forgiven herself for surviving.

Rebecca held me until I stopped shaking.

Then she stepped back.

"Erin, I need you to hear something."

I looked at her.

"Daniel loved being a soldier. He believed in what he did. And he knew dangerous things could happen."

She wiped her eyes.

"I wish he had come home. I will wish that every day for the rest of my life. But I have never wished that you died beside him."

I closed my eyes.

She took my hand again.

"Please don't spend the rest of your life wishing it for me."

I couldn't answer.

Grace looked up from her coloring book.

"Mommy?"

Rebecca turned.

"Yes, sweetheart?"

"Can Major Erin come to my birthday?"

I laughed through my tears.

Rebecca smiled.

"I think that's up to her."

Grace looked at me.

"It's in November. I'm going to be seven."

I knelt beside her.

"I would love to come."

She smiled.

"Good. Because I need somebody tall to help with the decorations."

I laughed again.

And something inside my chest loosened.

Just a little.

For the first time, I could imagine seeing Daniel's daughter grow up without believing that every happy moment in her life was something her father had been cheated out of because of me.

Rebecca squeezed my shoulder.

"Go finish your ceremony."

I looked toward the gym.

"Will you be there?"

She nodded.

"We're not leaving."

I stood.

And as I walked back toward the stage, I realized something.

The medal waiting for me represented four trips into a flooded river.

But the hardest journey of my life might be the one I had spent six years refusing to make.

May you like

The journey out of guilt.

And into the possibility of forgiving myself.

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